The Period Palace

(This is my ideal hut pictured above, complete with mini bar)

I'm going to talk about menstruation 

so

if you're even a little bit squeamish

please log off your computer
wring your hands a few dozen times
mutter stuff about ''disgusting bloggers of the Pacific Northwest''

contact your therapist

and discuss 

...............

In 

many cultures

women who are having their monthly menses are considered

''unclean'' 

and must be separated from the rest of society

This tradition

used to absolutely incense me
I'd get so angry
because

I couldn't believe how awful this banishment

must be for the helpless women

However

recently I've been re-thinking my stance
on the menstruation hut
and
found a new appreciation

Can 

you imagine

a week out of the month

you trudge down to the little house

in the back yard
pink suitcase rolling awkwardly over sprinkler heads and grass

throwing sad glances over your shoulder

at your family

waving mournfully

blowing kisses

calling out ''I love you's''

but

inside your head

you're gleefully thinking 

''YESSSS''

no cooking 

no cleaning

no kids or husband pulling at you

no car pools

no phone calls

no work

just lots of 

naps
chocolate

reading

jammie days

crafts

Personally
I would probably figure out a way
to stay there more often
because
after an entire week all to myself
transitioning to the regular

routine again 

wouldn't be 

easy

Silence Isn't Always Golden

My parents taught me

''If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all''

I can't always agree
with that philosophy

I believe

''All that is needed for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing''

This

doesn't mean I'm going to race around shouting

and raising a ruckus

but
I can say

I am doing what I can

in 

my little corner of the 

world

Nap Quest

I want to write a little something

in defense of napping

I see nothing wrong with a midday siesta

recharging one's batteries

in the hustle and bustle world

I mean
is 

there anything more delicious

than laying down 

somewhere quiet

letting the cares of the day slip by

as you feel 

your body relaxing

your eyes closing

and once again you are

transported to a drowsy
daytime

dreamworld

Under The Microscope

Sometimes there are things that make you say

''hmmmmm''

and

if you examine these things too closely

you have the potential of having 

hurt feelings

so

sometimes it's just easier

to walk away
good feelings intact
&

without knowing
everything

You can't polish a turd.

I keep learning the same lesson
I suppose it's because I tend to look at
things that sparkle and shine with rose colored glasses

thinking it has both substance and dazzle
I'm realizing
to have both is rare and precious
sadly
I know I'll be learning this lesson

until I finally
get it

No matter 

how much you want it

not to be

even a gold plated 

pile of manure

is still

manure

Today

It's only 5am

and 

I wish

TODAY

was 

over

Invisible

Yesterday morning

I spent a couple of hours getting 

a 

light chemical peel facial on my face
(it's a girl thing)

I walked out of the day spa

no makeup

face red and blotchy

wearing my pink ball cap

glasses

 nasty sweats and a tshirt

grey pullover zip front hoodie

with sneakers

looking....quite frankly

like a homeless, hot mess

Not 

wanting to  run home and change

I decided to run over to the grocery store

popped into the stationary shop

then to an afternoon matinee

I felt pretty self conscious

because I looked so schlumpy

as if I was ''less than''

but

what I noticed after awhile

was how completely

invisible 

I seemed to be

nobody looked at me

not one person smiled at me

in fact

a guy actually ran into me at the theater

spilling my popcorn

he barely muttered a ''sorry''

as he brushed past me

doors were slammed in my face 

as 

I walked behind people going into shops

nope
not one person stopped to hold the door open
what was that about
?

 I guess 

I learned a pretty big big lesson yesterday

 about assumptions

manners

and 

always looking a person
in the 

eye

Kids and Koins

I wonder how parents

teach their kids about money

these days

After all

nobody uses cash

and when you do need some

paper money just spits out of a machine

plastic cards are simply swiped

and

it's rare to see anyone writing a check

what 

a difficult concept 

to teach to children anyway

Essentially
you work

you receive paper

you go out and buy stuff with the paper

 and the ultimate game winner 

is

the person who is able to

keep as much paper in their pocket

I'm 

grateful that my kids

knew about money

before it 

disappeared

zzzzzzzzzzzz

Baby Got Back

Having a baby changes a woman's body

Not all of us are Heidi Klum, who can sport a skimpy bikini panty set (complete with wings )on a runway a week after givng birth to her 15th child in 6 years.

Granted, she has lovely genetics.

She obviously eats right and works out during her pregnancy.

But come ON.

How realistic is she?

Take me for example.

I had a baby at the ages of 20 and 23, respectively

I gained a ton of weight

Never worked out beyond lifting granny panties onto my thighs

I figured at my young age...it would all snap back.

After all, my mom had a bikini body after having 3 kids

The woman didn't have even one stretch mark, despite being 4'10'' and 95lbs and birthing 8 pounders.

I was golden.

Boy was I wrong. Dead wrong.

Since not everything ''snapped back'' to my pre-pregnancy look

I've learned the art of the lounge lay.

Those little maneuvers that are meant to shave imperfections off your post-baby body

Lift thighs up slightly off of chairs so they don't look all spread out and bigger

Wear great uplifting demi bras in hot colors to detract from the fact that you're essentially rolling your breasts up to put into the cups

Stand slightly behind someone in photos

Ride a giant motorcycle so your ass looks smaller...or they are too afraid of you to say anything

Do these things work?
Sometimes.
Do they make you look completely neurotic and vain?
Yep
Besides,  I think a woman who is a size 4 in her 40's looks gaunt and old
Look at Helen Gurley Brown
Can we all say a collective ''ewwww''?
So, my advice to those of you struggling

Give it up and eat what you want.
Enjoy who you are
and
tell yourself
perfection is overrated anyway

The Handyman

I don't fix things

I never really have had to figure out

if I have the aptitude or not

I grew up with guys who fixed stuff

and 

married a guy who fixes stuff

The following is an actual conversation

between my husband and myself

................

Me: "Does it bother you that I never fix stuff?'

Him: "Why are you asking me this?"

Me: "No reason, just wondered''

Him: ''Well, I figure you make dinner and I fix stuff''

Me: "And you're ok with those roles?''

Him: (shrugs) "Seems to be working''

Me: "What happens if you die first and I have no clue on how to fix stuff?''

Him: "Likely you're going to be in trouble. ''

Me "Maybe I can learn''

Him: "Then what would I do??''

Me: "Make dinner. We could trade off"

Him : "No"

Me: ''Again...what happens if you die and I can't fix stuff?''

Him: "Sounds like you'd miss me very much''

....................

There you have it

I'm pretty much 

screwed

Me, on a plate

I love watching cooking shows

they inspire me

Imagine 

my surprise when a fellow foodie
while having lunch
waving her fork in the air
mid bite

asked me

''If you were to put you on a plate, what dish would you be?'

Without skipping a beat

I replied

''Lobster Pot Pie''

I'm 

recognizable

comforting

saucy

multi layered

 and 

have an edge of surprise

So having said that

think for a moment

and
ask yourself

what dish would
YOU
be
?

What's It Worth?

I've owned

wait

rather been owned 

by 3 lovely funny sweet

Scottish Terriers

spanning the past 18 years

Cady

Dewey

&

Maggie
........

Mad Maggie McTavish

(aka 'The Moo')

is the only one left

and at age 12

I've noticed she's slowing down a bit

isn't hearing as well

her eyes cloudy

she sleeps more

barks at nothing

her beard gray

I can't help but wonder

when she will join the other two

as treasured memories

When

I have moments of thinking like that

I have to ponder

Is 

the 12 or 13 years of unconditional love

one gets from a pet

worth the pain of saying the final goodbye?

the all encompassing never ending
grief
?

I have to say for myself

the answer is a resounding

no

 Nothing is worth that kind of pain

not even 

Scottish Terrier
love

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day

to those out there

who care about such trivial nonsense

the romantic absurdity

silly hearts

overpriced flowers

moldy stuffed animals

stale chocolates

overblown expectations

......

Or
maybe

you're still waiting for that 

elusive soul mate

whomever 

they are

.....

Take heart

sometimes when you least expect

it

 the right someone comes along

and 

you give them 

your time

your trust

sharing spirits

and 

neither of you are ever

the same

Thanks Mr. Kerouac

"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules and they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify them, or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do."
                                                                                                    — Jack Kerouac

What women really want

If you truly want to know what women want....

* We don't want you to have the body of a god. We really don't. We love it for bragging-to-our-friends purposes, but if you're in better shape than we are, well.....ugh!
However, a man who takes care of himself by working out is infinitely more attractive because it shows he cares about his physical health.
Regular grooming, showering daily, shaving, trimming (yes, even using moisturizer) and choosing an outfit that looks good is hot. By the way....The right amount of cologne can turn a 5 into a 9 pretty fast too.

* Be a champion-get between us and whoever is trying to tear us down (even if we're the ones doing it to ourselves)

* Listen, but don't offer up solutions. Just simply say ''how can I help?'

* Be trustworthy. If you aren't, don't expect us to be fine about being lied to and deceived.
   Nobody wants to be perceived they are an idiot.

* Be interesting...have a hobby or a passion that you develop outside of us

* Be a caveman sometimes. It's OK and shows you're male. We may roll our eyes, but secretly we kind of like that

* Slight jealousy is fine , it shows you care...out of control jealously is silly. We are here with you because we want to be. No amount of legal paperwork will make someone stay if they don't want to

* Have friends. Go out with them

* When the door closes in the bedroom, be fully present. Be there. For us. You can't expect intimacy in our relationship if you aren't giving 100% too.

*Love our children. Be soft and firm with them, as needed. Know their hopes and dreams, who their doctors are, where they go to school, their teachers. Be a parent, not a friend. By the way, when you're watching the kids, you aren't ''babysitting'' them. They are YOUR children too.

*Tell us we're beautiful, even when we know we aren't.

*Surprise us in little ways. Sure flowers and candy are great, but so cliche'...use some imagination!
Lotion, a towel and a foot rub don't cost anything...but are remembered.

* Help around the house. There's nothing sexier than a man with dishpan hands, or is willing to roll up his sleeves. Hint: When the woman isn't exhausted by work, kids and housework--you get more sex.
Trust me on this one.


* Don't bitch about your job constantly. It makes us feel guilty and we cant fix it. Change jobs if you hate yours so much.

* Give us time to ourselves.Take some for yourself too

Hope this clears up any confusion you guys may be having.
Now, go get us some chocolate.
And hurry up, please.

Bieber Fever?

Just in case you needed a little nudge

Justin Bieber's new movie 

comes out on Friday

3-D

Tiny Bubble

Don't get me wrong

I love small towns

I grew up in one

The
people are typically friendly

the traffic congestion is low

you know who you can trust

and who you can't

however

I think it's important for people 

to leave small towns

and return 

(maybe)

after they've experienced

life outside the bubble

travel

learn new ideas

new ways of looking at things

expand their minds a little

but I really feel

the growing is in the leaving

For 

instance

just this week

I've talked with people

from small towns

who 

''don't like internet''

''don't have cable''

''don't read outside newspapers''

and 

refuse to grasp that there are important

concepts

 happening beyond their small world

they love the idea

of

remaining big fish in tiny ponds

it's their claim to fame

kind of like

the quarterback in high school

(now a portly insurance agent)

still wearing his letterman's jacket

30 years later

(sigh)

The Sensitive

You would think

as outspoken and direct as I am

that nothing phases me

I must be made of teflon

but 

on occasion

I've been accused of 

being the sensitive sort

thin skinned

too easily crushed

takes-everything-personally

~Imagine that~

Back to Basics

After watching that horrendous program

''Food, Inc''

I've decided to live with more intent

no longer will I be mindlessly buying things

off a supermarket shelf

without knowing where it came from

how humanely animals are treated

nor will I dismiss 

the impact of my purchases on the world

I'm getting back to my roots

I'm buying raw milk now

about 4 miles down the road

from a farmer in his late 70's

 grizzled, opinionated and wearing faded overalls

he pats his cows 

with affection when he's talking to them

A 

gallon of milk a week

self serve

money paid on the honor system

these 2 jars of mine
(above)

produced 1/2 pound of butter

and
the buttermilk left over

makes the most delicious 

 2 loaves of bread

which I then turn around

and barter with my neighbor

my
extra butter and a loaf of bread

for his eggs and honey

keeps us both happy

our ecological footprint minimized

tiny, baby steps

but steps

nonetheless

Letting Go

Sometimes

letting go of someone

means letting go 

of 

your expectations
the person you thought they were

and 

not who they actually

are

The Writing Gig

There is a very fine line

to

writing humor

attempting to get a point across

quickly

not being vulgar

 staying timely

 sort of hip
but not too current

showing confidence

politically correct

but 

with a razor sharp edge

I've learned

not everyone is going 

to ''get'' my humor

or 

appreciate the actual thought

that goes into

every sentence

every word

every punctuation point

Although

I dearly love getting paid

to do such cool work

I've quickly discovered

it's a job

there are trade offs 

compromises

and oddly

the one thing I lost

right away
in writing humorous prose

would be
my real sense of 

humor

Get Well Soon..and Hurry Up

It's been an incredibly weird month

In

the span of 4 weeks

my sister

my uncle

my son

my niece

have been in the hospital for 

life threatening illnesses

In America

the home of 

'we don't want you stepping foot into a hospital'

where

insurance companies not doctors

determine your care

this is a huge 

thing

Event Planning

After much thought

a couple of glasses of wine
a late night

and
some late 70's music
bolstering the nostalgia factor

I
decided to be the organizer 

for my class reunion

that was 3 days ago

in that time

I have gotten 4 hate emails

9 ''yaaay I'll come if you're throwing it'' emails

anger

angst

fear

countless texts

offers of help for ''just the fun parts''

calendars of when people's kids are out of school

schedules from their work

and

the bottom line is

I finally have figured out
in
putting this circus down
I won't make 100% of the people 100% happy
even if I tried
and

its true

''no good deed goes unpunished''

(our class song)

Over and Over Again....

Flogging a dead horse

over and over and over

repeating the same issues

conversations

thoughts

disappointments

is a brain drain
emotion killer

and completely 

counter productive

to moving forward

 After
a bout of wallowing
which is completely understandable

 try to learn from the situation

pull up your big kid panties
make different choices for your future
and carry
on